Pick a mortal, any mortal...

And the winner is Kyley Thayer, a plain, unsuspecting secretary/file clerk who is slapped out of her hum-drum existance by a brakeless truck one dull afternoon. Needless to say she was not too pleased with the event at all.

Add to that one Queen of the Dark Forces, a strangely dressed woman who claims to be over 500 years old, a hobbgoblin in denial and a persnickety clock that is about to wind down and you have an adventure. Of some sort.

"It is said that the clock was built by a well-meaning philosopher intent on bringing the two sides of good and evil together. Whatever gave him that notion we'll never know. Anyhow, he built the thing.

The clock is made so that when it starts to run down it can only be cranked back up if a representative from each force is present, each one with their respective key. They must work together to keep the world from being plunged into certain chaos. Of course, noone really knows what would happen if the clock stopped. It never has and I don't know anyone who would care to find out. So we had best get moving." ~ Figg

By the time Ms. Thayer thinks she has figured out what it is she is supposed to do she is confused beyond belief. The Dark Queen has ordered her to go to some place called the Viridian Mirage, find the woman that works there and pass on a message. How hard can that be? She is given a guide, a hobbgoblin by the name of Paddiwych who swears that he is not a hobbgoblin at all and who's sole purpose is to clean the castle's rain gutters. Needless to say he is not much help.

It is more that the Viridian Mirage finds them instead of the other way around. Kyley thinks her strange ordeal is about over. She finds the secret door the the Department of Illusions and Confusions and therein the woman she is seeking.

"You have the business card, right?" the voice from the intercom in the not-so-cactusy cactus barked.

Kyley looked at the bit of paper in her hand.

"Yes. I still have it. It says 'The Department of Illusions and Confusions, Viridian Mirage, third door overhead.' But there are only two doors."

She glanced up once more at the pair of frames suspended in the sky just out of reach, half expecting to see the third appear at any moment so that the irate assistant on the other end of the intercom could mock her for being an idiot.

"You take the card and throw it," the speaker simply declaired without elaboration.

Kyley threw the card as if it were a baseball. It did not go very far. It flipped and fluttered downward until it landed just beside her foot.

Paddiwych bent and picked it up. "Mayhaps ye didn't throw it 'ard enough," he drawled.

He tossed it with all his might and still the card landed on the grassy ground. Kyley pressed the button on the cactus again.

"You're doing it all wrong," the operator sniffed. "Less shoulder and more wrist. Like a frisbie."

This time when Kyley sent the card out with a neat flick it twirled and wafted upwards until it seemed to stick against an invisible wall even with the other two doors. It grew in size, streaching and warping until it became a full sized entryway. The skull shaped knob turned itself and the door swung open. A rope ladder rolled out to admit them.

It seemed terribly absurd to be climbing up the ladder when the obvious course of action would be to fall right off again upon reaching the top as there was nothing visible in the way of a landing, but up Kyley went just the same, anxious to get this whole fool's errand over with. When her head stuck up through the levitating frame she found herself to be very much in error about the laws of nature in general. One second she was looking at the bright blue sky. The next she was peeping out across a luxurious oriental carpet on the floor of a Victorian library.

By the time she was fully into the room and had helped Paddiwyck up the furnishings had changed completely. Now she stood in half of a country cottage merging with a highrise office with a scenic overlook. She stopped in her tracks, entirely entranced as the walls faded and relocated themselves without any sort of pattern or sence while the hobbgoblin cowered on the floor, his arms wrapped securely around the woman's ankle...

...The only thing that was constant, in the loosest meaning of the term, was a large stained glass window. The stone frame remained unchanging while the picture inside oozed and morphed from one image to another. When Kyley had first spotted it, the magnificent creation sported a styalized sun-in-glory motif in wonderful golds and reds. As she watched the color washed out of the glass until it had faded to deep blues and light lavender to form a hauntingly smiling moon ensconced in granite stonework.

Through it all and seemingly unaware of the changes there stood a solitary figure. The unusual sillouette of a woman perched boldly upon the deep, broad sill gradually drew Kyley's attention. She was dressed very strangely in ragged garments that were something of a mix between a Goth's peculiar attire and that of a peasant from some bad King Arthur flick. Exactly what she wore was hard to distinguish in the cold, pale light washing in through the window but there was no mistaking that it was a very outlandish outfit.

"What do you want?" the woman asked impatiently. "I'm in the middle of something very important."

Kyley's heart started up like a trip hammer when the woman turned slightly and the shape of a gun pointed at her left temple appeared against the nocturnal backdrop. "Hold on just a moment!" She said as calmly as possible. "Whatever the problen is, let's talk it through first. Just put it down."

The woman turned in an absentminded fashion to give her visitor a distinctly blank look. "What in the world are you talking about?"

The gun made a soft whirring sound just before it emitted a loud ratchetting blast like a fog horn. Kyley let out an involuntary scream. Paddiwych smushed his face into the floor. The woman on the sill simply swore under her breath and tossed the gun irately onto a desk as she jumped down from the window.

"Bloody piece of junk. Wish I knew what I did to it so I could have it fixed. Sorry folks. Didn't mean to upset you. My name is Mentovyori M. Ashun, Esquire. Just call me Figg and don't ask why. Welcome to the Department of Illusions and Confusions. How may I help you?"

And so the adventure begins. Time is rapidly running out thanks to the Dark Queen's twisted sence of humor and Figg's own neglect for not keeping a closer eye on the era. They set off on a fastpaced trek, besieged every step of the way by strange creatures. There are birds with razor sharp feathers, hobbgoblins with a vendetta and a crazed conundrum craving plant lady who is fabled to have sprouted from the only seed the tree of life ever dropped. Oh, and there are other more mundane things, like bottomless pits, mole people and human sacrifices.

Will they arrive in time to wind the Clock? Will the Keeper of the Doomsguard prove to be too much for anyone to handle this time around? Will the sniveling milk-sop at the head of the Forces of Good ever get his act together or will he be munched somewhere along the road? ("I'm countin' on his being munched." ~Figg, with a fiendish grin. "What? I can't help it.")

And whatever happened to Kyley's former life? Did she die? Or is this whole wacky business just a figment of her imagination?

the Characters

Kyley Thayer- Your average working class woman with a functioning imagination and a deep desire to get away from the dreary, mundane life of an office employee. ("Wish granted, Ms. Thayer, although I'm sure this is not quite what you had in mind." ~Figg) She dreams of someday being able to move out of the city, leaving behind the noise and traffic and her dependancy on public transportation. She is in her mid-twenties, of a nondescript countenance under brown hair, quiet and reserved and largely unnoticed by anyone other than her closest friends and they all think that she is a hopeless cause.

Paddiwych- a hobbgoblin with issues. Menial lackey of basic inteligence. His job is to clean the numerous rain spouts and drainage systems of the castle of the Dark Queen. It is a hazardous, all season job with little pay and no health coverage. ("But I get all the leaves an' green slime I could ever want." ~Paddiwych) His favorite saying is "What doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you." Like I said, basic inteligence. He is sent to guide Ms. Thayer to the Viridian Mirage but after that he has no real reason to be in this story...

...Or does he?

Mentovyori M. Ashun a.k.a "Figg"- Renowned demon and hobbgoblin hunter. Also the head of the Department of Illusions and Confusions which covers just about everything from harmless daydreams to Elvis sightings, including but not limited to curses, hallusinations, scary clowns, spectral phenomena, gremlin distribution, floating orbs, things that go bump in the night, toll booth operators that give bad directions and encounters with LGM's. She will not claim responsibility for crop circles, however. At least, not many of them. She used to also be in charge of miraculous happenings but her licence was revoked by the Higher Powers after the incident with the two headed cow oracle. She is currently the Guardian of the Dark Key on behalf of the Forces of Evil. ("No, that pact with the Devil has nothing to do with it! Come on! Is the installation of a few air conditioners such a crime? In the long run I did everyone a favor!" ~Figg, after being asked what side she is truely on.)

The Forces of Good- Usually the basic "end of the world" story revolves around the good guys. Well, this one doesn't. 'Nuff said.

Snoggworth- A vile, brutish hobbgoblin out for vengance with his pack of cohorts. Even though he works for the same people as Figg, his goal is to destroy her. The old saying "My enemies enemy is my friend" has no meaning to him. Figg must die for the wrongs she has committed against all hobbgoblinkind. Now as she embarks upon the quest to wind up the Clock he discovers a perfect opportunity not only to rid himself of the insignificant pest that has hunted his people for untold generations but to also have everyone in the entire world blame her for its downfall. If there should be anything left of the world once the Clock stops.

The Keeper of the Doomsguard- Noone knows exactly what the Keeper is, but everyone agrees that it is not the sort of thing one wants to encounter in a dark alley, or even a brightly lit one for that matter. Theory has it that the man who built the Clock created the Keeper simply to maintain the mechanisms and ensure that the structure would last for all time. But like the whole project in general, it did not turn out quite to his expectations. A few people will even go so far as to suggest that the Keeper is the man who built the Clock himself, doomed for all eternity to exist in conjunction with his monsterous magnum opus. Whatever it is, it is not good. As the Clock begins to wind down the Keeper goes out into the world to gather all the lost souls that have accumulated over the years between the last winding and the current date. It builds an army to protect the Clock in an attempt to ensure that it does NOT get wound back up again, thereby breaking its own curse. ("Its been what, about five centuries since the last time I went there? That's got to be a lot of lost souls built up since then. We're in trouble." ~Figg)

The Clock- This is not the sort of mundane time piece that sits on your grandmother's mantle, nor is it the sort that stands in the hallway. It does not run on batteries or electricity. This is THE Clock. And if it should stop, it would mean the end of the world as we know it. At least, that's what we think. We don't really know. Maybe it would just go ding and something pleasant would happen. ("Yeah, right. And maybe a pretty pastel coo-coo bird will pop out and ignite everyone in an inferno. Wouldn't that be fun." ~Figg, again) All we do know is that the Clock must never be alowed to stop and that it takes mortal hands to wind it. See? It says so. Right here in the manual. ("Wait a minute! You're trying to tell me that you are over five hundred years old?" ~Kyley, finaly catching on to what Figg admitted not too long ago.)

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